I struggle with pornography.
It has been years since I first saw pornography ( I was eight), and I have also been possessed by this addiction for many years (since I was 14 and a half) almost ten years now.
But I don't want to be enslaved anymore. Last week when I was masturbating and watching pornography I realised I had some disturbing thoughts that were bordering on homosexual terriory and even worse. It wasn't about projecting myself into the sex act anymore with the porn star. It was about shoving my penis into anyone's mouth, which is crude but true.
This made me realise that I had descended below the level of beast in my thinking. Watching pornography and masturbation is no longer just "something that all guys do, that is perfectly normal" that pop culture (series, music, movies and yes, even youtube) would have us believe. It is something that makes my sexual desires twisted. Unchecked who knows what territory I may find myself in, incest, bestality, necrophilia, paedophilia, homosexuality. Its shocking just to think about this.
This problem is so deep. But I tell myself, I will take pushups whenever the urges arise. I do not want to be gay. I don't want to have any of those sexual dysfunctions I mentioned; I do not want any porn-induced dysfunction at all.
I will be like water. Water is calm, water is life. It may be roughened, forced through gorges, polluted. But in its resting state it is calm, it is the same. It is life. I want life.
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